I didn't shave. On purpose
I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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