I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
