i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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