It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
