I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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