Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize