If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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