I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
