i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
