I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Buhtt sex?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
