Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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