Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
