She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Drake has all the answers
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
