I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
