Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
