This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Come see our sink grown plant.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
