guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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