Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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