I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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