Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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