So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
