3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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