yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
