Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
