dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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