rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
