i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
