But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
