You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
