how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
