The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
