i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
