You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
and you fell through a lawn chair
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
