you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
