I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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