Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
