no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
