when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
