You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
