worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
only you would photoshop your dick
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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