Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
