is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize