having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
