I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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