I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
