I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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