I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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