I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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