Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
