I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
