you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize