She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
