so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
