He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
