I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
