Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
