I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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