I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
