He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
