the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I still have a little drunk in my system
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize