Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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