Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
