My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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