Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
