im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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