That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
