the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it's like iHOP with fire
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
