: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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